A two for one request.

I’m going through a pretty rough breakup and would love to hear what helped you through something similar. A place to go, a silly little routine, a mind trick, a distraction, whatever made things feel a little lighter or helped you find your footing again.

I’m also feeling ready to look inward, chase a few more dreams, and build healthier habits. If there are books, apps, tools, podcasts, or rituals that have helped you do that, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you in advance.

Question

A two for one request.

I’m going through a pretty rough breakup and would love to hear what helped you through something similar. A place to go, a silly little routine, a mind trick, a distraction, whatever made things feel a little lighter or helped you find your footing again.

I’m also feeling ready to look inward, chase a few more dreams, and build healthier habits. If there are books, apps, tools, podcasts, or rituals that have helped you do that, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you in advance.

Aimee Pokwatka · Answer

Begin Again, and Again, and Again: Notes on the Art of Perpetual Renewal: A friend got this for me at the beginning of my divorce, and I just bought a copy for a friend starting her own divorce journey. A beautifully illustrated meditation on learning to find peace inside a life that is always changing.

Shaby · Answer

To love and love again is an act of courage: What if you looked at the breakup from a different perspective? This relationship didn’t work because they were not meant for you. And you’re just one step closer to finding your future person. The relationship ended so you can recover in time for next summer where you’ll have your best glow up yet. A new chapter awaits where the main character (you) gets to dance to a new favorite song they would have never heard while in the previous relationship. You got this, friend. To love and love again is an act of courage.

Catherine Davis · Answer

Yoga with Adrienne: Yoga for… anything you need! For runners, for overthinking, for bloating, for bedtime, for people who sit all day, for heavy hearts, for beginners, ETC. This gal has a yoga sequence for everything and anything. Bonuses- it is free, she is quirky and endearing, and sometimes her dog Benji makes a guest appearance.

Lucy Propper · Answer

this 12-step break up recovery i came across on reddit once time when i was in the trenches of heartbreak: i think the 12 step framework is so useful and can be applied to so many things, and having a structured plan to work through for things, a designated journal and time in the day where i am like "okay i am going to sit down and do my step work for 1 hour"

niti · Answer

Can Tylenol Help Heal a Broken Heart?: my best friend sent this to me a decade (!!) ago when I was going through my first adult break-up and we've sent it back and forth several times since. getting your heart broken feels like you're dying! tylenol can help!

Wynne · Answer

4000 weeks: I loved this book and found it to be very meaningful/helpful. I read it a year ago and still think about it a lot.

Elissawithane · Answer

Keep no coffee in your home!: If you are a regular coffee drinker,(or tea or matcha or even a crispy little diet coke in the afternoon), this forces you to get out in the world for your daily fix. Gets you a routine and you see other humans/regulars and a dog or two.

Tahryn · Answer

Break-Up Triage: if you or a friend have just been dumped the first week is particularly gross and brutal. This is in part because most break up advice (get back into therapy, meditate, do things your ex didn’t like) is for later when you can think and function.

Time heals all wounds (and life tends to work out in better ways than you can imagine mid-act) but while you wait that process out, these are the tried and true tricks of my people:

Change all of your routines right away. All of them. Make coffee differently. Take a different route to work. Try a different ice cream. Old comforts and habits are not always comforting when you are untangling selfhoods.

If you can afford it, buy new sheets and a new tooth brush.

When things get bleak put yourself in a small space. My best friend put me in a large cardboard box during my worst break up and it was somehow the best thing that ever happened to me. A closet works well too.

When you are still too sensitive for any shows where people love each other or might love each other in any way at all I highly recommend the dumbest competition show you can manage. Holey Moley, The Floor Is Lava, Wipeout. It has to be very dumb and silly (and for me physical). This works best with a friend (and maybe an edible or a glass of wine if you partake in such things and that doesn’t feel depressing)

Touch grass. See the ocean. Go for a hike or at least a walk. Nature and some exercise hack your brain - pushing you towards awe and beauty and away from thought spirals. Make it frictionless or enlist a friend to plan it and pick you up.

Let yourself be a little insane. Tell people what’s going on. Air it out. Everyone has been there and it is a weird opportunity for some beautiful life affirming human connection.

Allow people to show up for you and actually tell them what you need. I don’t eat when I’m sad, and I need people around more often even if we are doing separate things. We all need different things but letting people know you and show up for you is healing.

Good luck 🍀

Tahryn · Answer

When Things Fall Apart: This is a perfect break up or grief companion. After my worst break up, mid covid, I was a blob on the floor for weeks. I got a copy in the mail with no note. I didn’t think much of that at the time, I read it and it really changed a lot of things for me. It has served me for years through so many other moments of falling apart. Not too long ago I brought it up to my husband (and long time friend), turns out he was the one who sent it to me back then as a balm to my suffering. Things work out in the strangest ways.

B. A. Griffin · Answer

What No One Tells You About Your Breakup (Caroline Winkler): What helped me was a boat-load of drug store novels, a Friends dvd on at all (all!!) times, and rum. I sure wish I has this advice instead…

Not long ago, @Annie Loves rec-ed one of Caroline’s videos for a small balcony, which lead me to this Caroline video. It’s insightful and thoughtful. Level-headed, practical advice delivered with a sense of knowing; an air of “I’ve been there too, I know very well the space you’re in”. Gentle, hopeful, comforting.

KG · Answer

Heartbreak by Florence Williams: A book about the medical science behind heartbreak written by someone going through heartbreak!

Caitlin · Answer

Journaling: Find a notebook and write down everything in your head. Don’t worry about if it makes sense, just dump all your thoughts and feelings on the page. It helped me immensely.

Dylan · Answer

Somatics: Learning about and practising somatics has truly changed my mind-body connection. There are so many simple movements you can do to help release stagnant energy, ground yourself, and regulate your nervous system.

This is my friend & teacher's website, but there are many offerings out there to explore, both in person and from your home.

Sending so much love <3

Dylan · Answer

Cleo Sol - Know That You Are Loved: from Cleo's 2021 record Mother. i can listen to this on repeat for hours as a form of self-love meditation. this song has got me through the darkest of days <3

Dylan · Answer

Learn to be alone + enjoy your own company :): This is a huge one for so many people. I've witnessed friends who simply couldn't bear to be alone with their thoughts for even five minutes. It's hard to watch them continue to make choices that are misaligned with what they truly crave, all because they were afraid to be alone.

I get it. It's scary. We exist in a world that wants us to be constantly distracted or stimulated or so unbelievably busy that we don't have a spare second to stop and think and reflect. And there are certainly moments where distraction is exactly what the doctor ordered. I also realise that alone time is a privilege that not everyone is afforded or has access to so easily. It's nuanced.

But the older I get, the more I value how precious my alone time is and how grateful I am for its ability to help me learn more about myself. Plus, it allows me to recharge so I can be more present and appreciative of time with my loved ones and community, too.

<3

Dylan · Answer

Enjoy being single!: To be single is to be inconvenient. Uncontainable. Disruptive. Subversive. Extremely sexy and also very modest. I don't make the rules; that's just science bitch.

But seriously, it’s being self-reliant — and honestly, fucking brave — in a culture that tells you you’re incomplete without a plus-one.

In the words of ancient philosopher Jason Derulo, who sings his own name more than anyone has ever sung their own name:

I’m ridin’ solo.

Dylan · Answer

Romance yourself! Romance your friends!: Truly cannot recommend this more highly.

Romance yourself!

Book yourself in for a treat-yourself day - spa, sauna, massage, mani pedi, hair, facial - whatever. You also don't have to spend money to do this! Spend a day alone without too many distractions - journal about what you're grateful for (even something as simple as sunshine or clean water or a roof over your head), connect with nature, listen to a song that makes you feel loved (my rec would be Know That You Are Loved by Cleo Sol), light some incense/your fave candle, swim in the ocean or take a bath, make your favourite meal, kiss/pat a cute animal.

Romance your friends!

Send a love letter to your bestie. Make a playlist for a friend with all your favourite songs. Prepare a delicious dinner for a friend & decorate the table with flowers. Send a text just to tell your friends you love them. Buy a little gift for a friend just because. Write all the things you love about your bestie on little bits of paper, put them in a jar and gift it to them to read when they're feeling down. Deliver a tasty treat from the bakery. Call a mate you haven't spoken to in ages. Plan a FaceTime catch-up with a long-distance bestie. Send them a video of yourself doing a silly dance!

Dylan · Answer

Silly little mental health walks in nature: Just left the house for the first time in 9 days to go for a silly lil mental health walk in nature and found myself bawling my eyes out at this rainbow lorikeet just hanging outside his lil tree stump house. We stared into each other's eyes for a good 10 mins until he decided that was enough and retreated back inside his lil tree hole.

Dylan · Answer

Thriving Out of Spite (a playlist): Made this for one of my besties when she was dealing with the rotten aftermath of a cursed ex-relationship, and honestly, it's some of my finest work!

Not only is it a big post-breakup mood, but it also works wonders for snapping me out of a depression or a funk or when I just need a reminder that I'm THAT BITCH.

As a bonus, the playlist features a glorious pic I took of her butt on a boat (which she generously permitted me to share with you all).

Featuring artists including: Amyl and The Sniffers, Ashnikko, Doechii, Fiona Apple, Hole, Princess Nokia, Slayyyter, Stella Donnelly, Wet Leg + more!

PS - although I'm still under the evil grip of spotify for a multitude of reasons (despite being absolutely not ok with their ethics or lack thereof), if anyone wishes to recreate this playlist on your platform of choice, please feel free to do so & share it below <3

Rachel · Answer

Take an improv class: Get in touch with your inner child and/or work through your emotions by playing make believe with other adults. Guaranteed to get you out of your head and make you laugh. If you’re lucky, you might even find a new community. Starting improv 💯 made the year after my divorce much easier than it would have been otherwise.

Hannah Fidell · Answer

Hoffman Institute!: Game changing

Emily · Answer

West LA’s daily virtual al anon meeting: LA has the best 12 step meetings any side of Mississippi. There is a life-saving amount of recovery in this meeting. 735-835am PT, different link every day but easy to find in the grid linked because it’s always at the same time. you can listen to it like a podcast with camera off while you have coffee (from anywhere).

Updating for those who aren't familiar with Al Anon: technically the twelve step program for friends and families of alcoholics, really a lifestyle program for anyone who wants to stop obsessing over/trying and failing to control other people's behavior.

Elizabeth · Answer

"Okay crazy": Do something bad. Not self-destructive or harmful to others, but your version of something wild. A little silly. Do something your ex didn't like or didn't approve of. Grief might make you want to do a wild thing. Try it! Even the most minor thing. Jaywalking. Drinking a coffee after 4. Mixing patterns. Maybe a little intentional "badness" will help you become yourself.

Maribeth · Answer

give yourself an unattainable goal that will be fun every step of the way: The ideal goal will gently push you out of your comfort zone, build confidence in yourself as a solo entity, be a little bit scary, but a lot a bit fun. Has to be something you can do by yourself. Can optionally include friends. It doesn’t matter if you  complete the goal in the end. That’s oddly enough not the point!

For me, after a five year relationship over 10 years ago, I made it a goal to hike in every Texas state park. I lived in Austin at the time, so I started with the state parks closest to me. Then I started branching out. An hour drive outside of town with my little dog. Then a few hours. Then a camping trip. I learned how to be confident in myself: that I could find ways to have fun by myself, that I could fuel my own senses, trust myself to stick to a plan for myself and didn’t need anyone else to have a great time.

Texas is huge, and I made it to 1/3rd of the parks! I saw mountains and fall foliage and swam in rivers and put my feet into dinosaur footprints and went to cute towns and parts of the state I wouldn’t have otherwise. I always loved nature but I didn’t grow up doing outdoorsy things—that was new for me.

I don’t regret a single minute of the time I spent toward this goal!!!!

Pictured: my sweet Oskee dog who lived to be 19 years old and just passed last November.

Rob · Answer

Volunteering as a Routine: I started volunteering at my local food pantry in the depths of the pandemic (I didn’t even see anyone’s actual face for well over a year!).

I go for an hour a week, but I would easily spend much more of my time if my schedule allowed it. My job is to make ‘personal bags’: the toiletries and other essentials that get collected in a bag so the clients can grab and go while they’re shopping for food.

The folks that work there are wonderful, caring but also no BS-type people (and have nice faces! lol), and it’s honestly one of the brightest spots of my week.

If you lock into a regular schedule, it becomes routine and a happy and rewarding part of your life (over 6 years, for me!)

Sophie · Answer

My “For Scale” Grief Exercise: Open your arms like you’re spreading your wings and say to yourself “my life is getting bigger.” Then move your hands to about an inch or so apart and mutter “that story will feel smaller.” Then turn your palms away from you and push the one inch story away/down to help it move along. Alternate with reading Wild Geese by Mary Oliver and repeat as necessary.

Joy Fowlkes · Answer

Four Thousand Weeks: I’ve read so much self-help, and I think this book is the only one that I recommend that people come back and later thank me for. I’ve even had someone I recommended it too forget and recommend it to me later.

It’s just motivating months later which I think is the hard part of trying to evolve. Eventually, you lose the courage or the why. And there’s no better reminder than being more conscientious of time passing.

Also, I am sorry you are going through this. When I had my last break-up, a friend went to a used bookstore and bought me her favorite books. She took me to a Korean spa and explained why she chose each one… and we both read. And I can’t help but think how much I wish I could do that for someone else. Maybe you might want to? It’s nice to return to what makes you happy… and there’s no better way to get out of your own head than to think of how to make someone else happy who deserves your love. Also, retail therapy.

Emily · Answer

Send that text to a random number.: After a breakup, you might feel that familiar urge to text your ex an inside joke or funny missive only they would get or a reminder of a friends birthday, etc. Resist the urge by sending that text to a random number. It scratches the itch, I promise!

amaya lim · Answer

the work cure: my favorite passage in anna karenina is when levin discovers that he feels way better when he does manual labor in the fields. having a manual labor job got me out of some serious ruts, if only because you can’t think about anything when you’re WORKING. volunteer in a garden, build something, etc