How do you not care what other people think about you?

Question

Rebecca · Answer

Mantras & Menopause: I love the RuPaul mantra, "Other people's opinions of me are none of my business." Because of course those opinions are reflections of them, not of me.

Ok sure, but when those nasty voices get through anyway:

I think about what my best friends would say in response to those real or imagined other people and their opinions.

I think about the amazing things my brain and body have objectively done — places I've traveled, obstacles I've overcome, people whose lives are better because I'm in them. If I had a friend who had done all of those things for me, would I give a &#%^ what anyone else thought of them?

I check in to ask myself what I think of whatever it is.

I make a deal with myself that for every crap opinion about myself I allow into my brain, I will also remember someone's positive opinion of me.

I remember a rule I have for myself — Don't accept criticism from anyone you (I) wouldn't go to for advice. A shortcut for remembering that the list of people whose judgment I respect is... limited.

Also... perimenopause helps. A LOT.

Carolina Silva · Answer

I just wrote the answer 🙃: People think less about you than you think. I used to try and read people’s facial expressions, but it’s a fools errand. Don’t assume a sour face means they are judging you or showing that they don’t like you. God knows what people are really thinking about.

Also, here’s a photo of my cute little dog. I didn’t have a link, I just wrote from the heart!

Aya C · Answer

But I don’t even like everyone…: Something that has helped me quell my people-pleasing is accepting the truth that not everyone is going to like me and that I don’t like everyone. It’s liberating! I don’t need everyone to like me. That’s not my job in life. People will have their thoughts and feelings and that’s their business. I’ll live my life liking some people and not liking others. There’s peace in that.

Rebecca Atwood · Answer

Drugs: the truth is, i took mdma once and realized it doesnt matter and the realization stuck

Medusa · Answer

Acceptance and Choice:  it is human to care about what other people think about you! It would be so disconnecting to not care. The reality is we do effect other people and other people effect us. As a therapist I often hear people say “I want to be less effected, I want to care less” usually because of the anxiety and overwhelm that can come along. But I like to sometimes offer what does that show about you? One story is of insecurity, another of thoughtfulness, another of beautiful sensitivity; there’s a bunch of different stories you could tell yourself and you get to pick the one you want to believe. What do you want to chose?

If caring about how other people see you is an important value you to you that’s ok! But if it’s taking too much space it can be helpful to move towards what MORE you want. Rather than what LESS. What else would you like to care about? What actions, people and places can you add to your life that pull you toward those other things you would prefer to care about? Are there some areas of caring you’re cool with and other areas of caring that you’d like to change?

Gina M · Answer

Don’t compare your insides with someone else’s outsides: A therapist said this to me over a decade ago, and it’s now a mantra I tell myself sometimes when I’m spiraling and worried about how others see me. We are consumed with our inner lives, and no one is thinking about us as much as we are thinking about ourselves. We have no idea what someone else is experiencing (bottom of the iceberg). Even if I’m panicking, others usually can’t tell, just like I can’t know someone else’s inner experience.

Catherine Davis · Answer

What other people think of you is none of your business: Just focus on yourself, your life, goals, growth, etc. Redirect your mind to a positive thought and don’t let anyone else steal your peace. ❤️

Lanh · Answer

Thinking of how much time you’ve wasted and how much time is left: A big part of learning to care for myself was realizing that I’d spent all of my adolescence (which had once been most of my life) steeped in self-loathing, and it would be an utter waste to spend the rest of it that way. I think getting off of social media helped a lot, too, because then you don’t live your life scrutinizing yourself through the lens of others as much (and also you realize the lens isn’t even real, because other people are also only thinking about themselves and nobody is really looking at you at all. In conversation, sit quietly and see how many questions they ask you about yourself). It’s never too late to make a change—even if you’re 60 you still probably have ten good years left. I am also obstinate and it helped to get mad about how there’s probably some wrinkly old fuck sitting on a pile of money, so excited at the opportunity to sell more potions and procedures to young girls whom he and his friends have groomed into hating themselves. Life is short but it’s also long! It’s the only one we have! I plan on living the rest of mine mostly loving myself, even if it is out of defiance and takes conscious effort, because it is a waste of time and money to do anything else (and it gets easier with practice).

Eda · Answer

We don’t control other people’s emotions or thoughts: Everyone has their own filter based on their past experiences, values, beliefs, traumas and the way they were brought up. Because of this you cannot know how anything impacts them. Thus cannot control what they think or feel. This fact is sooo liberating ✨

Erika · Answer

Realize everyone else is more worried about themselves than you: Something shifted for me when I realized noone else was scrutinizing my behavior, people barely noticed the thing that kept replaying in my head. Also: when people are acting weird towards you it is more likely to be about some fear or insecurity in themselves than actually about you.

Dylan · Answer

Figure out how to be your most authentic self: Ok this is my 40-year-old-recovering-people-pleaser ramble on how to stop caring about what people think of you... Do what you will with this information!!!! Is this wisdom or delusion? Who cares! Also I'm still absolutely learning how to do this and am far from being an expert...

It might sound cliché, but once you learn to embrace your true self (let that freak flag fly!) and figure out your core values, it's much easier to care less what others think of you. It's worth asking yourself: are others even thinking those things, or are these just stories you're telling yourself? Why waste energy worrying about how everyone else is perceiving us? It's exhausting, and we will never win.

Something I've been practising this year is not responding to indirect communication. I’m autistic, so I have always struggled with people who speak in riddles and don’t say what they mean (which I know can be challenging for many of us, particularly certain groups of people due to the way we have been socialised to apologise for taking up space). I also encourage the people I love to do the same.

If I sense someone is annoyed or angry, I will ask them directly if they want to talk about it. If they say they don't, rather than ruminating on it and assuming it's all my fault or that there’s something wrong with me, I now practise accepting what they've said at face value, then wait for them to come to me if/when they're ready to talk about it. I used to expend so much energy dwelling on what I'd done wrong or how to fix it immediately because anything felt better than sitting in the discomfort of the unknown. Maybe it actually has nothing to do with me.

Another thing I’ve been practising this year is relinquishing the desire to control the narrative - let people misunderstand you! Let people judge you or even hate you! I'm def NOT saying use the "let them" theory because I believe that's reductive, toxic and individualistic. But there's a point at which we can get so preoccupied with how we're perceived or understood (classic struggle of a neurodivergent brain), we end up wasting precious energy convincing people of our worth. We don’t need to convince people of our worth; we are already worthy!!!

It feels liberating once you practice letting go of that need to be liked or understood by everyone. It frees up precious space in your life for the right people to find you - the ones who will see you and understand you. We assume so much because - if you're like me - we tend to experience severe discomfort in silence - so instead of sitting in that discomfort, we try to fill in the gaps in communication with our own made-up stories. Chances are, people aren't thinking about you as much as you're thinking about you. Sometimes it's just not that deep!

Creating assumptions or false narratives based on social media is a classic example of this - it's so easy to piece together a story in your head based on a few tiny curated snippets from someone's social media, but how about having an actual irl conversation to find out what's actually happening in each other's lives? Groundbreaking.

Anyway, if you made it this far, congratulations and thank you for indulging me!!!

Dylan · Answer

Stop over-explaining yourself to people determined to misunderstand you: Sometimes I notice myself reverting to old people-pleasing patterns and extreme hypervigilance.

So I remind myself that it's important to practice sitting with the discomfort of the knowledge that some people may not like me or understand me.

And that's ok. It's not my job to convince them of who I am. I know who I am!