RL
Steve M
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Requests
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Need recommendations for how you process...
Need recommendations for how you process and accept loss and grief? Grief not just for losing others but your sense of self and identity?
21w
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6 responses
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Need recommendations for how you process and accept loss and...
April
19w
The Identity Reset-
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This book is inclusive of other grief related topics such as divorce, health changes or identity loss after a death or tragic event.
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April
19w
Wellness and Pain Recs
Being near water to heal and reset/ a quick guide to grief
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Hey this is a much longer suggestion that wouldn’t be covered in a link but to start find a healing body of water (if you are landlocked a bath ritual) and the article explains why that’s beneficial- after that 1. Let yourself feel it. I know it can be hard but it’s ok to feel any and everything that comes up for you. The five stages of grief (Kubler-Ross) were actually supposed to be for patients on hospice care who were dying not the people left behind and while those emotions are valid it doesn’t cover the experience in the slightest. The pressure to graduate those phases can be distressing to people who don’t know. 2. The grief is here to stay but the forms will change and it’s helpful to reframe the expectation it goes away and develop a relationship to your grief (its evidence love existed). 3. Continuing bonds coping skills (things you do that make you still feel close to them such as writing or talking to them, doing things they loved, doing things in their honor, carrying on traditions or creating ones inspired by them anything that continues that bond. 4. Meaning making- can’t give too much advice without knowing the specifics bc this is different for everyone and can be based on a lot of things like culture, beliefs around death and afterlife ect but look into meaning making 5. Being around people or talking to people (Reddit,support group, a friend doesn’t matter) grief is isolating because we are culturally prude about death and finding community helps (nobody makes a better quick friend than two people with the same dark humor) 6. Consider therapy not just saying that because I’m a therapist but seek a therapist who works with this population- the person who works with grief regularly can emotionally attune and is decidedly comfortable holding space for grief and death and that isn’t necessarily everyone. 7. I forget what psychologist (anyone chime in) but one I read in grad school pointed out the little deaths in life and constant grief that is inherent in the tragic and beautiful temporary nature of everything. Ex: you get married and even that’s happy but it’s the “death of your “bachelor life”, you have a baby and that’s great but you mourn the life you had where you didn’t have to keep someone alive all day and were more carefree. In all these mini deaths are mini births and loss can be pure tragedy at times but you are strong and can alchemize. 8. externalize that pain or whatever feeling it is it somehow, write, make music, make art, volunteer at a grief camp if you ever feel ready or able. 9. read about it, the human experience of loss, the way loss is handled in different cultures ect. can make you feel less alone in this. 10. Remember everyone is different, your experience with grief is highly nuanced and multifactoral and that can be heavy but hold space for that. No two losses are the same the way no two snowflakes are the same. That doesn’t mean there isn’t overlap to be found in moments of validation and comfort. 11. take it day by day and meet yourself where you are at- stay in bed if you need to, call a friend if you need to, go sit by the water, cry, eat, laugh. Know this experience means you are human and you loved 12. If your situation is complex in that there weren’t always warm feelings for the lost loved one-that’s ok. They were human and so are you, any feeling is a valid feeling. We pressure ourselves to memorialize people in a nice little bow and no human was ever put together in a nice little bow. Give yourself the gift of that realness. 13. People close to you may have different grieving needs if they were also experiencing this loss but finding ways to grieve communally where you can is helpful. 14. Pick a comfort ritual and engage in it on bad days (plan a whole day of things for a fun ritual and things that you can do also on a normal work day) 15. Remember to shower, eat and drink even if you don’t feel like it. 16. Think in cycles not in lines.(it takes as long as it takes) 17. Make a playlist that reminds you of the person/ keep helpful grief quotes on hand to feel less alone if nobody answers the phone or you can’t verbalize your feelings that day. 18. Grief is a transformative event in that there will always feel like a “before this happened” and an “after this happened” it may take time to feel okay with that but I tried to look at it as entering deeper into the depths of the human experience as we all do face it eventually as dreaded as it is. Part of this journey may include coming face to face with your own mortality for the first real sobering non purely conceptual time barring life events that have also done that. 19. (Keep on keeping on you got this!)
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ildi marie
21w
Wellness
Eating Pho in restaurants alone
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Pho and Açaí bowls. Those were the only two foods I could eat in my deepest grief and the ritual of sitting alone in a restaurant was healing. Having something that was always there for you, having a routine. Not being alone in bed all day listening to comedy podcasts, the fresh air, people around you talking with one another. It really helped. The heat of the soup and the cold of the bowl were part of it too. Something to feel. My one advice would be to not leave yelp reviews. Interactions can be off in these moments. I wish I had known that
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Andrei Pogany
21w
Food
Allow for time for yourself
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someone told me that the depth of the grief is equal to the strength of the love. that helped me when i lost my dad a few years ago. also that grief may come in waves and you dont know when they come. i allowed myself to ride the waves when they did come and that helped a lot. *I don’t know how to post without a link to recommend so i picked croissants and coffee which is entirely personal. All that to say taking a break from the “normal” and feeling the emotions i think is good but again entirely personal. Coffee and a snack was my ‘excuse’ to stop and breathe for that moment.
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Joe
21w
Change of Venue
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In the moments after a disaster, I was recently advised to 1) not make any major decisions, 2) stay hydrated, eat even if you don’t feel like it, and 3) go to a hotel and stay there for four days. #3 was not obvious- the patterns of your life are disrupted, something is missing or wrong with every little thing, so (at least in the short term) gtfo and get away from all of those disruptions and weird ghost memories. Go somewhere with air conditioning and eat ice cream and watch 30 Rock. Four days worked for some other folks and for me, your mileage may vary.
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Jessica
21w
Allow yourself to feel it; distract, otherwise
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We have all of these stages and we think we understand it, but there’s not a right way to grieve. It’s certainly not linear. I think of time as a spiral, where the same point expands past itself on the next cycle, and grief is no different. Good days, bad days. Joy and rage. So much warmth and so much pain. Once you think you’ve healed, it wells up again and spills over; when it gets so deep you think it’ll consume you, it retracts and peace comes. It’s messy and senseless. Like us. If you can, allow yourself to feel it. Mourn, rage, cry, shake your fist at the sky. Grief is a powerful transition of states of being. The love you feel, full to bursting, now has no place to go. Turn it inward and nurse your wounds with art that resonates with you. Sad songs help me cry it out. It’s cathartic. Know that you’re not alone, even if in the cosmic sense. If we’re all connected, I’m grieving with you. This month has been hard. This entire decade, really. Now, the second option is distraction. If you can find it, something that ignites your passion, gets you excited. Become obsessed with it. Use it as an anchor. A book series, a video game, a hobby. Grief will puncture through this at times, but the anchor will keep you grounded. Keep going. In the end, it’s all about hope. Here’s my favorite scene from True Detective (linked). After sun falls, in the black of night, the stars come out. I talk to them. Doesn’t matter if they hear me. When my love is so big it hurts, I give it to the stars. Sending my love to you. I’m rooting for you.
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