one of my besties just had a rough birth and they are very square on meal train/food for a while. she’s healing. what can i get or do for her

Question

Angie · Answer

A lux gift just for her. Doesn’t need to be expensive. Like an oversized button-down in an easy fabric or fancy sweats (I love gap), or a nice body oil.: Postpartum moms need reminders to think about themselves. Self-care was the hardest thing for me to do right after I had a baby (still, in fact, and my boy is 4). Pic is me in my fave storq button down in the early months (sadly this brand doesn’t exist anymore?)

Eliz · Answer

Diaper Delivery: I’ll text “what diaper size does [insert baby name] use” and leave two boxes on their doorstep, text them it’s there and skeedaddle without any interaction, saves them a trip when leaving is so hard. If they’re long distance then send two boxes via Amazon, they can choose the size when they accept the gift.

mary taylor-smith · Answer

Skincare Package: When my best friend had a C-section with her first baby, and was also square on meals and help, I sent her a care package of her favorite special skincare products just for her so she could feel like herself again when she had a moment and not just a vessel for milk. Everyone is constantly asking about the baby and sending things for the baby (I sent gifts for baby too), I wanted her to have a surprise something just for her.

Ideas for items to include: ideally fragrance free! lip balm! face oil! a luxurious body lotion! a hydrating mist! an easy face mask! under eye things!

Ona · Answer

The First Forty Days by Heng Ou: I had a traumatic birth and a friend sent me this book. It was exactly what I needed for learning how to heal my body, ask for help, and be patient with my recovery. I’ve bought it for several friends since then.

Stickyheels · Answer

Buy her a sleep mask (a nod pod! ) and some electrolytes and go to her house to wash and fold laundry and clean dishes!: She doesn’t need more stuff or flowers to keep alive, she needs help. Whatever you do, don’t ask what she needs. If you really must send something from afar, a 6-pack of Jenny’s icecream is my go to.

Sarah Bohl · Answer

A house cleaning!: What I wouldn’t have given for this as a new mom! Find a cleaning service in her area!

Carmen · Answer

Doorstop drop!: The most memorable thing for me was when friends would drop surprise items at my doorstep with a simple text to let me know it was outside!

One was a basket including chicken soup, fresh baked bread, self care items, a knit baby hat and a thoughtful sweet note (if they’re super good on meals, even just bread and jam is a great staple).

Another, a smoothie in the middle of summer. Another, fresh baked cookies. An iced coffee with a card. There is something so special about a no strings attached, ultra convenient gift for a new mom - it feels selfless without expectations, especially when you’re deep in your own inner world and might not be ready for a visit.

Brian · Answer

A breakfast in bed tray + Social Awareness towards new parents: Tray for eating meals in bed, with reading rack on the side and the tray is removable for easy cleaning. Also, it has plenty of legroom. My wife used this all the time postpartum.

I would add this lens to all that has been mentioned regarding help for new parents:

Make sure your friend wants you there, & if she needs space, respect that. Choose to do something helpful that doesn’t require social interaction for your friend, like leaving a meal on the porch, and texting them when it’s there. When you have a newborn, your battery is always very low, & sometimes someone coming to “help” can be even more draining when they subtly make it about themselves / only want to hold the baby (unless that’s what mom wants). It really depends on the relationship. There are some people who can jump right into the fold and bring the right vibe that doesn’t add any extra stress. Either way don’t take anything personally. If they need space, it probably doesn’t have to do with anything you are doing wrong.

Try not to ask your friend any unnecessary questions, as best you can. They have so much to think about, & a lot of times the answers to those questions are inconsequential. It sounds silly, but small questions can mean expending more energy for a new parent, like: “how do you load your dishwasher?” or “which sheets do you want on the bed” or “pick your order from this menu” of course you will have to ask some questions, but try to err on the side of making decisions, taking action, or doing a little extra digging to find the answers for yourself before resorting to bothering them with outside noise!

The postpartum space is a sacred space. Enter it without expectations, and be ready to assess and adapt your actions based on your friend’s stated and unstated needs.

Rachel Sundstrom · Answer

Offer to stay with the baby for part of the night so parents can sleep: When I had my twins, my best friend came one night and stayed with the boys for the first half of the night, waking me up to pump but let my husband and me sleep. It was a much needed 5 hours. And we knew they were in good hands. :)

Maribeth · Answer

Come over and do the dishes, the laundry, take out the trash: I don’t have kids, but I do know newborns come with all kinds of weird gear you didn’t have to deal with before. They have special bottles and stuff that sometimes need handwashing. They spit up and peepoo everything. Give your bestie a break by taking one for the team and doing all that horrible necessary stuff for a bit while they sit down. They might also appreciate you holding that baby for a bit so they can hang out without their new angel needing them for a few minutes.

This is also applicable for friends in the midst of healthcare issues for themselves or if they’re caretaking for partner/parent/siblings.

Basically, going through a transition makes easy things hard. Knowing you have people around to help makes it seem a lot less scary.

An alternative option is to come over and cook a meal for them right there in their own kitchen. Doesn’t have to be complicated! But your company might well be appreciated. Pictured is my pal cooking for me after I had a big surgery.

JV · Answer

Uber Eats Gift Card for Newborn Parent Pals: Text your newly minted-newborn parent friends an Uber Eats gift card. They’ll be truly so happy to order in with your help, and they will thank you profusely —you don’t need to make the food, you just need to help make it appear.

alexis · Answer

Roll-down yoga pants, Oreo’s, and a nap: Ask her when you can come over and tell her it’s not to visit it’s for her to rest. Tell her not to shower or dress up for you. Then take the baby for a walk or somewhere where she can’t hear it cry. She can nap or just rest or shower or look at her phone. Bring Oreos, or fresh juice, and some big yoga pants that fold over (if she had a cesarean). Then ask when you can come back and do it again.

This would have been the most amazing gift to me after my traumatic birth.

Sara Quinn · Answer

Just keep checking in: Keep checking on her. Ask her real questions and listen to the answers. Check on her in a week a month six months a year. Keep being her friend even when it gets harder. Ask her about her healing, her mental health and just keep showing up.

Sophia Lucchesi · Answer

Run Errands For Her: If you’re going to the grocery store, Costco, Target, the pharmacy, etc, let her know and volunteer to pick up what she needs. Most people won’t ask you to get things for them, but if you let them know you’re already headed somewhere, it becomes much easier to ask!

Julia · Answer

Check if she has a small enough swaddle: Most swaddles people get are not for newborns and the swaddles aren’t tight enough. A tight swaddle will help the baby sleep better. I have sent this specific swaddle to many friends to help them get through the first few weeks. Send two! Most sites will have a two pack.

Spring Peeper · Answer

A bidet toilet attachment and a grabber claw thingy,  and if you can your time: Ya butt hole and vagina have become unexpectedly close companions, so wiping can suck, and your abs are shredded so reaching can suck.

Pain and birth can also be isolating - people helpfully came to do chore stuff but managing that m was tiring and made me feel “on”. Coming by with coffee or a meal and sitting, maybe bring like - a fun activity. House magazines or beading bracelets idk 😂 So much time managing everyone and baby talk - I like a little break and reminder that life exists beyond this moment in these 4 walls.

Rebecca Loesberg · Answer

Couch Bev holder: Holds all the water/bottle/pump parts/snacks she will need.

Rebecca Loesberg · Answer

a luxe body oil: I like a gift that reminds her she’s an amazing human that deserves beautiful things.

Emily · Answer

Offer an hour or two of your time: That way, she can ask for what she needs. Perhaps she needs someone to meal prep? Or watch the baby while she naps? Or run to the grocery for her? Or just spend time together and marvel at the human she’s created? Offering time during this tender period is of utmost value.

Noelle · Answer

Treat her to a house cleaning: She may not need it right this minute, but sometime soon she will probably start to feel the physical disarray around her but not have the energy or strength to do anything about it. Find/schedule/pay for a house cleaner to come by.

Dylan · Answer

Koala Tea Organics No Worries Tea: I bought this because I thought the artwork was cute and silly australiana but it's actually also really delish!

Dylan · Answer

Organic India Tulsi Ashwagandha Tea: to calm your farm

Dylan · Answer

Transformazing Sheet Mask: Can't go past these sheet masks. Perfect after a big night / week / life.

Dylan · Answer

Magnesium & Aloe Vera Spray: perfect for helping you have sweeter sleeps and soothed muscles

Dylan · Answer

Sleep Aroma Mist: lavendar, chamomile, jojoba. a lovely, more budget friendly alternative to this more fancy sleep mist.

Amy · Answer

Keep a box of heated eye masks in the linen closet: For those nights you can’t sleep or have a headache - grab a heated eye mask and dream well.

Kate · Answer

Offer to run errands/coffee run: Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most! Mention you are out and about and ask if she needs anything or would like you to drop a coffee off on her porch - this way she doesn’t feel like it is a burden or too much. Very low pressure but still says that you are there if she needs you/ that you are thinking of her🤍