dealing with negative self talk after you have actually fucked up pretty bad

Question

dealing with negative self talk after you have actually fucked up pretty bad

Clara · Answer

Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s “Fleabag”: My favorite show of all time, always and forever. Most importantly, it taught me that no matter what, no matter how badly I screw up or alienate people or am a disgusting mess, I too will be okay. We all will.

Anna Griffin · Answer

Be Gentle by Danielle Ponder: Be gentle to yourself, my love! I’m a firm believer that music heals and this song (the first verse alone!) has been a balm on especially hard days.

Giselle · Answer

acknowledging to myself that i made a mistake and asking myself for grace, not absolution

Catherine Davis · Answer

10% Happier podcast: I just listened to the episode on anger and found it very helpful. There are so many episodes- I bet you can find one to help you. I also recommend journaling but you probably already thought about that. :)

Dylan · Answer

Cleo Sol - Know That You Are Loved: from Cleo's 2021 record Mother. i can listen to this on repeat for hours as a form of self-love meditation. this song has got me through the darkest of days <3

Lida Richardson · Answer

moving forward <3 : In OCD therapy (I’m always talking about OCD therapy bc it’s my main experience but I think this applies to a lot of people), there’s this whole thing where they talk about healthy versus unhealthy guilt, and I’ve always struggled with that a bit, because I don’t know if I’m capable of feeling guilt in a healthy way. Like even when my guilt is warranted, it becomes so huge and consumes me and makes me hate myself. So I really empathize with what you’re talking about and know how much that voice can absolutely overpower you. I think ultimately what resonates most for me is the question of what the guilt is facilitating. Like humans are social animals who evolved to feel guilt so we could live in community/ treat each other well/ repair when we need to. But sometimes guilt works the opposite way, where it just makes us want to turn inward and hide and stops us from acting at all. So what I try to do is ask myself, have I done what I need to do/ tried to repair/ is there nothing to do? And then it’s usually about just moving forward. Self-flagellation doesn’t really help anyone else, and ultimately just turns me inward and away from the things and people I care about. The world is a confusing place and relationships are hard and messing up is extremely part of that. Like there’s no way to live without messing up. So if I want to live in the world, I have to make peace with sometimes messing up, do what I can to repair or just learn from the experience, and then move forward. Idk, so much of life to me is just about moving forward, and making peace with imperfection. And usually that punishing voice you’re talking about is really just to hurt you, not to help anyone else. There’s a kind of basic question: how would I respond to a friend who had messed up? And usually the answer is like, encourage them to do what they need to do to move forward and also be SO much nicer to them than they’re being to themself. Sending you a hug <3

Noelle · Answer

Forgive Yourself, Again and Again: I think most of the time we feel bad about something and then we eventually move on. But it’s surprisingly powerful to actively forgive yourself. Feel all your feelings first, release the flood of self-loathing. But then stop and get quiet and hug yourself or put your hand on your heart and talk to yourself. Tell yourself that you’re human and you’re trying so hard and it’s ok to mess up and that you forgive you.

amy groome | mid-flight · Answer

Give the Nasty Voice in Your Head a Name + Persona: Your rec request did not go unnoticed and I so felt you when I saw it and meant to respond right away. Hope the mean voice has died down by now. She/he/they/it/pronoun-of-your-choice can be such a little bitch.

As it turns out, I help women manage their negative self talk for a living, and yet, just as I saw this request the other night, I had texted my bff the following message:

"You know when you self-sabotage and it’s like you’re watching yourself from the outside doing it in real time?"

To which she responded: "Daily." Which is why she is my best friend.

It takes a lifetime of practice to remember that we are human and that mean voice, and the directives it gives us, is trying to protect us. In doing so, she/he/they/it/pronoun-of-your-choice makes us think and play so small, which is what I did the other night. To soothe myself, I drove straight to my friend's house, where she had Swedish Fish waiting for me, and we streamed John Oliver and laughed.

Sharon Salzberg is such an OG resource when it comes to self-compassion and managing the voice. Hope her words and suggestions help a bit. Give the mean voice a name. Get creative with personifying it, so much so that you can picture her/him/them/it/pronoun-of-your-choice when you hear it and recognize it as something totally different from your true self.

Or call a friend who loves you, warts and all. And watch John Oliver, and laugh, and eat Swedish Fish.