Notice the patterns ~*~*~*

First of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s so much more painful than words really have the power to communicate, and it’s so hard when it feels endless, especially because you kind of run out of ways to explain it to people. To be clear, I am saying this not to invalidate at all, but just to point out something I notice in myself when it gets really bad. I noticed you said that various things have helped abate the symptoms but fell short of providing long term relief. That’s really real and so frustrating, and it’s so messed up that so much mental healthcare can feel like a bandaid. But I also wanted to say that something I notice is that when I feel really really low, my brain is like, ultimately, it’s always been like this, and it’s always going to be like this, and all the moments of relief are flukes. Depression loves a very flawed kind of pattern recognition, where the cycle feels endless and unchanging, and any bright spots are just kind of greyed out. And the tricky balance for me is validating that very real emotional and mental experience that is observing a true and deeply difficult thing, and also saying, hey, my brain might not be seeing every single piece of the picture right now. Like for me, when I’m in a depressive place, it feels like that place is THE real place, the place I keep coming back to, the only real truth. But when I’m not particularly depressive, I see it more as a cycle I go through, and I know the ups and downs are both true parts of it. So I just wanna say that it sounds like this year has been truly brutal, and I’m so sorry and empathize so deeply. But I also hope you don’t discount the hard work you’ve put into those moments of relief,  or the fact that one of those next moments could become something longer. Does that make any sense?? I guess what I mean is that depression is really fucking awful because not only does it actually suck, it also changes your perspective so that everything both behind and ahead of you sucks even more, and it feels like there’s no escaping it. So anyway, I sometimes tell people that I feel lucky I’ve been depressed on and off for so long, because now I have all this data I can’t really discount. I don’t know the specifics of your situation or what it feels like, so again, I know it’s really real, and I’m so sorry that what you’ve tried so far hasn’t helped. But I really believe that something can and something will.

Practically, the biggest rescues for me are probably routine and structure. Like, waking up at the same time every day, going to sleep at the same time, whatever little routines that you can build into your life. I have this whole really unchanging morning routine that helps me start out the day on stable footing. I’ve realized that a big thing that’s helped me stay kind of okay while sick and mostly stuck inside my house rn is just being really rigid about my routines, bc that feels like the opposite of depression to me. You can start really small and work your way up. In the past, I’ve found walking every day / some form of time outside really helpful, but since I currently have an illness that makes exercise impossible I never want to assume that works for everyone.

Also — something small to really care about. For me, that means reading/writing/ taking even just one class, but it can be all sorts of things. Also generally helps me to have other people relying on me, because it’s wayyyy easier for me to let myself down than other people.

Sending solidarity and strength. Really hope any of that’s useful, feel free to disregard any part of it that isn’t!!!