How to set a boundary without using the word “boundary” lol!?

Question

Dylan · Answer

Stop over-explaining yourself to people determined to misunderstand you: Sometimes I notice myself reverting to old people-pleasing patterns and extreme hypervigilance.

So I remind myself that it's important to practice sitting with the discomfort of the knowledge that some people may not like me or understand me.

And that's ok. It's not my job to convince them of who I am. I know who I am!

Dylan · Answer

Let yourself be unlikeable babe!!!!: "People pleasing is a form of control, and I say that with so much love for the part of me that learned how to do it. When I’m managing your feelings, what I’m really managing is my own safety. If I can keep you pleased with me, then I never have to sit in the terror of being disliked or being too much or being a disappointment. It worked! It’s also manipulation, and both of those things are true at once.

Let’s not pathologize it. Our survival strategies are proof of how hard we fought to stay here. And at a certain point they stop helping, which is where this month’s diary prompts come in. The theme is “letting go of control,” depathologizing and reframing manipulation so that we can actually transform it."

~ from softcore_trauma on instagram 🤯🤯🤯

Jess · Answer

Neutral descriptions of consequences: I think of this approach as a type of feedforward. You are letting people know what to expect if they behave a certain way. By keeping your tone neutral, you remind everyone involved (including you!) that you are not trying to control the other person’s behavior, but rather to make sure they have all the information. I find that liberating, especially if I have to enforce said consequences - they knew the deal.

Example: “If you invite Bob to the party, then I won’t be joining you.”