My beloved dad died less than three weeks ago. 10 days later, my mom’s dog also passed away far too young. Life just feels trashy and hard right now, and I miss my dad so much. How do you get through times like these? I’m not afraid of the grief and am feeling it daily, but it’s also feeling hard to do the other life stuff like wife, work, parent.

Question

Stef · Answer

Let it be messy: I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I read once that parents are the divider between us and the liminal world, reading this shocked me but that’s how much I can’t wrap my head around it. I came to say that when I experienced grief, everything fell apart and I am okay 8 years in. In hindsight, it needed to fall apart to allow me the space to grieve… I needed a lot of it. I hope this brings some comfort - you’re not alone. In hindsight, I don’t think we’re supposed to simply cope or stay the same. I think we are transformed by the physical and spiritual beast of grief. This doesn’t mean we have to come out better, just changed. Some things that helped me through the change: the book The five invitations - my grief bible; walking the streets and touching all the green things with my hands to stay grounded; good grief-specific therapy was transformative; little Greek rituals like marking the 40 days of their passing, the year, the next year and wearing black until I felt open enough to wear colour again; quitting my job; crying for 10 mins in the shower every morning; asking for signs. Sending love and this rose from one of my walks.

Bee · Answer

Let grief change things: I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad and your mom's dog. I've been thinking about your question this evening - and I will recommend a book (Lost & Found by Kathryn Schulz) but mainly I wanna say, let grief change you. When I lost my job and our dog died, I think I had originally expected to return to life and myself fairly unchanged. Feel it then move on. But grief profoundly changed things - my energy, my mood, my relationships, my needs and wants. I felt (and feel) transformed. Not always in ways I like or enjoy but acknowledging that everything has changed does feel honest. And then when things feel hard I'm a little more understanding with myself because well everything has changed. It lets me understand my current baseline.

Leah · Answer

writing and reading: Ok I haven’t written in a while, but when my dad and sis died in early COVID I would write little stories/memories about them and put them on facebook. Now it seems crazy to me that I did that but I love looking back at who I was then. now I like to process my grief thru fiction. Currently reading “sing, unburied, sing” and it’s hitting so much for me and just a great book. I’ve also found the right therapist to be so helpful.

Elena · Answer

Read YA/books for kids: Kids picture books and young adult books are so tender and wise, filled with beautiful stories of friendship, courage, resilience, wonder, whimsy, humor and joy. They don’t shy away from the hard stuff either but I find them to be such a balm in times where my heart feels unbearably squeezed.

If reading sounds like too much these often have great audiobooks too. Sending a hug to you.

Some authors that I lean on:

Frances Hardinge, Tamora Pierce, Patricia McKillip, Catherynne M. Valente, Diana Wynne Jones, Franny Billingsley, Barbara Helen Berger, Barbara Cooney + the book in the image…there are so many!

janelle · Answer

Be kinda shit at your job: It’s okay. We are not meant to always be good, high performers. trust that it will shift and feel no guilt about doing the minimum. <3

Jes · Answer

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times: I lost my dad too. This is the book I give to the people I love when they are going through it.

Catie · Answer

Birding: Just sharing what worked for me, but I started birding while grieving a family member. On the roughest days it gave me a simple task and reminded me that life continues to go on and can in fact still be beautiful.

Marybeth Hamilton · Answer

Your body won’t let you process it all at once — and that’s good!: One of the best pieces of advice about grief I’ve ever received is that your body physically won’t let you process it all at once. And not only is that okay, but it’s good! We wouldn’t be able to handle grief if we had to process it all at once. And your body is remarkable for knowing when to process and when not to process. Let yourself be in the phase of grief you’re physically experiencing and don’t judge yourself for your pace of grief.

April · Answer

Being near water to heal and reset/ a quick guide to grief: Hey this is a much longer suggestion that wouldn’t be covered in a link but to start find a healing body of water (if you are landlocked a bath ritual) and the article explains why that’s beneficial- after that 1. Let yourself feel it. I know it can be hard but it’s ok to feel any and everything that comes up for you. The five stages of grief (Kubler-Ross) were actually supposed to be for patients on hospice care who were dying not the people left behind and while those emotions are valid it doesn’t cover the experience in the slightest. The pressure to graduate those phases can be distressing to people who don’t know. 2. The grief is here to stay but the forms will change and it’s helpful to reframe the expectation it goes away and develop a relationship to your grief (its evidence love existed). 3. Continuing bonds coping skills (things you do that make you still feel close to them such as writing or talking to them, doing things they loved, doing things in their honor, carrying on traditions or creating ones inspired by them  anything that continues that bond. 4. Meaning making- can’t give too much advice without knowing the specifics bc this is different for everyone and can be based on a lot of things like culture, beliefs around death and afterlife ect but look into meaning making 5. Being around people or talking to people (Reddit,support group, a friend doesn’t matter) grief is isolating because we are culturally prude about death and finding community helps (nobody makes a better quick friend than two people with the same dark humor) 6. Consider therapy not just saying that because I’m a therapist but seek a therapist who works with this population- the person who works with grief regularly can emotionally attune and is decidedly comfortable holding space for grief and death and that isn’t necessarily everyone. 7. I forget what psychologist (anyone chime in) but one I read in grad school pointed out the little deaths in life and constant grief that is inherent in the tragic and beautiful temporary nature of everything. Ex: you get married and even that’s happy but it’s the “death of your “bachelor life”, you have a baby and that’s great but you mourn the life you had where you didn’t have to keep someone alive all day and were more carefree. In all these mini deaths are mini births and loss can be pure tragedy at times but you are strong and can alchemize. 8. externalize that pain or whatever feeling it is  it somehow, write, make music, make art, volunteer at a grief camp if you ever feel ready or able. 9. read about it, the human experience of loss, the way loss is handled in different cultures ect. can make you feel less alone in this. 10. Remember everyone is different, your experience with grief is highly nuanced and multifactoral and that can be heavy but hold space for that. No two losses are the same the way no two snowflakes are the same. That doesn’t mean there isn’t overlap to be found in moments of validation and comfort. 11. take it day by day and meet yourself where you are at- stay in bed if you need to, call a friend if you need to, go sit by the water, cry, eat, laugh. Know this experience means you are human and you loved 12. If your situation is complex in that there weren’t always warm feelings for the lost loved one-that’s ok. They were human and so are you, any feeling is a valid feeling. We pressure ourselves to memorialize people in a nice little bow and no human was ever put together in a nice little bow. Give yourself the gift of that realness. 13. People close to you may have different grieving needs if they were also experiencing this loss but finding ways to grieve communally where you can is helpful. 14. Pick a comfort ritual and engage in it on bad days (plan a whole day of things for a fun ritual and things that you can do also on a normal work day) 15. Remember to shower, eat and drink even if you don’t feel like it. 16. Think in cycles not in lines.(it takes as long as it takes) 17. Make a playlist that reminds you of the person/ keep helpful grief quotes on hand to feel less alone if nobody answers the phone or you can’t verbalize your feelings that day. 18. Grief is a transformative event in that there will always feel like a “before this happened” and an “after this happened” it may take time to feel okay with that but I tried to look at it as entering deeper into the depths of the human experience as we all do face it eventually as dreaded as it is. Part of this journey may include coming face to face with your own mortality for the first real sobering non purely conceptual time barring life events that have also done that. 19. (Keep on keeping on you got this!)