the process of belief

Recommended by samael

[each stanza as a life stage ~ still reformatting + concising werds]

growing up, there were 2 radio stations. KROQ and POWER 106. so you got either rock, rap, r+b, or some pop to cope in a hot and fake facade LA.

bones
the first time i heard Sorrow, i was still a kid.
didnt have the words for it then but was already familiar.

then my voice was taken + beaten + bled from me.
and the ones i cared for.

i fought back
but there’s no salvation in that.

safety & soul used against me.
(but that's on them ~ at best, embody love)

systems of belief didn't fit.
(but lessons were learned & tested from each)

family learned new ways to steal once i got ahead.
(but chose family instead)

friends who got it ~ few and unapologetic.
(but real ones never really forget. and can dance sober)

misunderstanding after ‘misunderstanding’
(but needed to listen + understand self first. and how to ᵏnoʷ their wrong)

forgot a smile and wore a scowl.
but there's only isolation in that.

and punk songs on days where i had to hold my heart up & continue.

youth
so. whatever.

got out there and found new surroundings.
got dirty in brake dust & city remains.
(made my friends puke)
and some of it stuck.
but what really stuck felt true ~

Amoeba records.

finding & talking to similar punks.

swimming in new ideas ~ perspectives.

learning & loving to create. from existing + 'nothing'

looking for compromise between [nostalgic transplants] <> struggling locals.
(learning it takes hard truths and multiple open<>guarded talks that look different for each)

giving space to judgmental hipsters who are heavy handed with one-way lessons.
(knowing they're skew'd with trash talk mostly bout them)

and being brought to water at night.
to reflect ~ and let dust settle.
appreciating an endless exist.

of age
eventually.

[conflict]
couldn't protect every one.
nearly broke every system.
physically. mentally. emotionally. impossible.

so i choose battles. and what i could hold.
what's closest. most important. seen.

set & moved borders with tides.
held breath or braced at news.
learned where to look as bombs fell.
strengthened to endure. or carry when needed.
but kept care in heart.
anything more, out of reach.

gave what i had. built onto that.
have few regrets.
can soothe without words.
can see more than most.
though it shears to feel those going through it now.

acknowledging their moment is all i can do.
moving through it together is the option.

[giving/getting help]
knowing an ask starts where heart meets simple steps, at pace.
1 question, repeated.
seeing if action is needed.
with some trust in reminders.

knowing help is a process woven in slow understanding.
to hear my voice & theirs in harmony ~
whether it's hushed or it brooks.

that care is the outcome from a flow of steps ~
gently nudging each other or not.
and that i'll always care.
but i can't always think.

[creating]
loops of care get learnt in a flow.
like a waltz to jazz.
when a step goes astray ~
a shuffle finds beauty.

creating things that live past intent.
building for more.
maintaining what needs to stay.
maybe adding some color.
but keeping hate as a footnote,
under heel if necessary.

[peace]
believing peace is reached in process.
to know what's needed.
and that i'm good enough.

~~~

name + controversial symbols explained at 01:02:44 of Along the Way doc. [transcript]

y'all know greg has a phd in zoology and teaches at UCLA & Cornell and has a bird named after him? thankful he was a voice i heard as a kid.
even though it went over my head, still felt it.

had a nice chat with a father at REI co~op about Social Distortion and how they saved him as a kid in the pit + stayed in the scene. so on my list to listen again.

it’s interesting to hear pieces of reggae, rockabilly, and thrash all in the album. that was kind of the LA rock sound ~ Sublime + Metallica + Tiger Army.

꩜ Supersonic, Prove It, Broken, Materialist, Kyoto Now!, Sorrow, Epiphany, Evangeline, The Defense, You Don’t Belong, Bored and Extremely Dangerous