Reacting to insults with curiosity

I recently got bodied by an old friend. Just, oof. Ouch.

Over time, I have learned to underreact when this happens and let the immediate feelings wash over me. Whatever hurt, the darker the better, I welcome. (Within reason. Human, after all.) I try as best I can to remain curious.

What in me is vulnerable and why? I don't mean reactive to any old harm. I mean to potent, personal, meaningful insults. What is taking place inside myself, and what is the inner commentary? Do I even know who in my psyche is writing the story, of what the blow means and how it keeps me stuck? What does the roar of rage and sorrow say, if I really listen?

Whatever I can glean from my reaction is golden. The more physical the better. It tells me where I am still in darkness, what parts of me need love/compassion/attention, how the wound needs tending. Sometimes these are old, deeply buried hurts that have come to feel like my identity but are actually not me at all. They might be survival stances or maladaptions, ready to be let go. They might benefit from tending by a support team, or some other form of therapy. But they are decidedly useful to access. I learn so much from those moments of ouch. They are literally the keys to my healing.

After a day of letting this messy, painful inner drama rip, I was able to approach this friend in a regulated way. Guess what? He had no idea what he had done. Complete obliviousness. His facts were not even the same as mine. The harm was undone with one phone call. He never had to apologize or get into it, because I didn't need him to. I learned, among other things, that the hurt took place while he was in his home town, driving his mom to chemo. His mom who is in a stage of dementia where she only sometimes knows him.

You can imagine how relieved I was that I took the blow and turned it into learning rather than striking out at him. We are all good now, though I will be on the lookout for better times to talk. I am grateful for what I learned about myself, which is that I carry a lot of shame around the topic we were on when the insult took place.

Not exactly news, this. But here was a chance to feel the feelings and allow the old voices of defensiveness turn to insight.