Equitable naming traditions: both partners change their names, or no one does.

My husband and I combined last names at marriage into a portmanteau of our maiden names, and I still get a little sense of "Ha! Mine!" every time I hear him say it many years later. Names are an integral part of identity, and a tradition that subsumes one in favor of another just because "that's the way we've always done it" falls flat under scrutiny. Ours isn't a double-barrelled name, nor is it hyphenated, though both might work well for other pairs. Combining our last name was as easy as a box on the marriage certificate; no court order needed. I just double-checked the rules because states vary, and it turns out 33 states don't allow the husband to take the wife's name at marriage what the actual fuck write your congresswoman but also pick a better state to get married in. The state you get legally married in does not have to be the same state you have a wedding in, fun fact, but I digress...

The repercussions of this cruffin of a last name have been positive in so many ways. The new last name is NPR-host level of cool, for one. We are now the only two of our kind in the world, which has made online accounts and professional recognition a breeze. Both of us have been able to retain treasured ties to last names with long histories while finding a way forward, together, on common compromise. We have had the exquisite, jaw-clenching joy of navigating inane bureaucratic updates together, both of us, rather than all the additional burden resting on my shoulders alone. The joint name puts to rest, early and without fuss, debates over which name survives the generation hurdle of hypothetical children. It has been a declaration and daily reminder from point null onwards of how we intend to work together, a charter document for our colony of two.

An unintended result, but perhaps one of the sweetest ones, is the gentle, public subversion of the tired old ways in favor of different and better ones. Each customer service agent who asks about the unusual last name, each curious stranger who wants to know what country that name is from, is always so surprised, pleasantly or not, at the sheer possibility of a joint name that I'm all the more glad we've done so. Someone had to. More people should.