Politely asking your cat to do chores around the house

my cats chores include:

alarm clock (screaming until I wake up)

washing the dishes (with tongue)

mopping (with tongue)

acupuncture (stabbing claws into my stomach/shoulders/crotch)

making the bed (hiding in the sheets)

kneading dough (clocking in for daily shifts at the biscuit factory)

exfoliating (licking my flesh until it becomes a rough scabby patch)

shredding sensitive documents (destroying cardboard and paper bags)

alerting me that their litter needs replacing (by pooping in the shower)