Caring about what I think more (*big asterisk*)

As a lifelong people-pleaser, I have wasted a lotta time feeling a low-grade bad or a twinge of something (guilt? insecurity? shame?) when someone I care about or respect has a different opinion than me about any number of fill in the blanks...a style I like, a solution to a problem I'm working on, or a life choice I'm making for myself. To most people, I probably read as confident with a strong sense of self, and I think that's true to some extent, but I can sure get stuck in mental loops of feeling like people around me disapprove of me.

It has never worked for me to tell myself "just stop caring what other people think so much" because at this age I know full well that I will never stop caring what people think. I want to care about what people think (the people I respect and love). But I also don't want a spiral of weird feelings on the side every time I choose something different than the people around me.

(hello to everyone that feels that in their hearts!)

ANYWAYS, for the last few months I've switched the script in my head when I'm feeling like I'm not being honest about what I truly want, like, or need to:

"I care about what they think, but I care about what I think more."

And it has been so freeing! Somehow the simple linguistic gymnastics of that sentence have helped get me out of the loop of second-guessing myself so much. And honestly I think it's already better for my relationships too because I can be more present when I'm not expending brain/heart energy processing whether or not they approve of me and my ways. Because most of the time, whatever the "it" is, actually doesn't really matter!

The *big asterisk* here is that this whole concept only works if you tend towards prioritizing other people's opinions over your own as a chronic issue. If you generally have no qualms and don't get stuck in people-pleasing spirals naturally, then please disregard! Also, it only works if these are unilateral decisions or opinions, obvs!

I know I heard someone say something to this effect before and I can't trace back to who it was to thank them, so I'm putting this out there into the universe. Hoping it makes it's way back to them and in the process finds some other beneficiaries along the way!

Photo: Hannah Busing