Love Loving love!

I have been without a phone for a little over two weeks now. It was not by choice, but I have been enjoying it. I have raw dogged pure unwanted social interaction on the redline train of Chicago, but on the same trip, I also noticed the steeple of a church being reconstructed in the peach sun glaze of a 6pm shadow. I was able to find love in this rather routine trip that I take because I didn't have the distraction and I was able to notice the love, notice the discomfort, notice others reactions to the experience we were all sharing.

Love is noticing.

Curious about the way others seek a guidance whether it be a god, a spirit, the universe, or the soul. I have found that there is not the existence of any of these things without the feeling of love. There is desire or urge to look for a guidance; something that helps carry all this weight, feeling so overwhelmed by it and wanting to put it forth love we hold or lack thereof. You come to find the strength and will to keep love an existing part of your life. There is a certain emotion in us that drives one toward the influence of something higher than ourselves, a revelation our mind cannot fully comprehend or express without exerting such passion. This all begins with a search, a calling, a wave of curiosity and hope; feeling of being loved and knowing you have the capabilities to love when the start to all of that process of yearning for guidance, that aimless mind search for love has already begun.

Love is seeking guidance.

Love is often only seen as a romantic expression, or that feeling we share when we are overjoyed by the company of someone; but what about the company of something. You love to read, you love to write, you love to eat, you love to trace your fingers along the cracks of a wall, you love to fold your socks down a certain way, you love to keep one light on when you go to sleep. But you hate when someone is walking slow, you get frustrated when your daily routine is disrupted and you cannot stand when you perfectly walk under the bridge at the same time a train crosses over. Think about why! Think about why the slightest inconvenience, a hiccup, would cause such frustration and disruption, because it's getting in the way of the thing you know you love. You got places to be or it might be as simple as you might just love to walk at a faster pace. Your routine makes you feel safe, you offer yourself the opportunity to align the love you want to give yourself, to have a simple good day. You prefer a peaceful walk observing and listening to the chatter of random conversations and shoes clunking down the cement, not the blaring screech of metals amplified by 100 octaves. Comfort and trust! in the minuscule details throughout your day, give appreciation to routine and normalcy, and to the out bursts of passion as love takes the form of anger and frustration. Stand up for the anger that exists because you care so deeply and so intently.

Love is anger!

I asked my partner if they felt like they had a lot of love to give. I enormously admire the way his mind and heart works. He gives a lot of care to his friends, his job, his family, finding a sticker on a pole, being outside, the drive into the city from work, 3 oranges and a can of fish. He would do anything in a heartbeat for his friends, no matter what they need because why have a relationship where you cannot show the love by going out on a simple Tuesday night, but also be someone they can always rely on in the instance of help. He follows a career path with the intent of caring about the world and the people, having a say in the providing a safe space/environment for everyone. That is true love! There are no conditions, there are no limitations, it will drive you to want to do good, to spread good, and simply be good!

Love is showing up to work everyday, even if it is the thing you dread the most.

Love exists in the daily idiosyncrasies you would never normally give a thought. I would like to think that I was able to notice this prevailing thought I have had without this experience, but it most definitely helped me a long. And that is okay, I think this came to me in a time when I most needed it and felt comfortable welcoming along with sharing. So, if you get the chance to pay mind to it, you will notice the teeny tiny things that in the past lay no significance to how you viewed the day or your life or a thought, but with that discovery you will feel immense gratitude and that my friend is step number one to allowing yourself to love and to let it all in. It will make you want to share it with the world, or maybe to keep it sacred for yourself.

Love is the porch you have been drunk smoking a cigarette on, the same one you cried about not feeling like you deserve love on, the one that you walked down from with an atrocious migraine, the porch that has seen many lovers and many fights, the one that doesn't get paid mind by the woman walking her dog talking on the phone, the porch that has a perfect sun glow on a sunny day but also a sour yet sweet damp smell after the rain.

My time without a phone has come to an end. I enjoyed the silence and the freedom from distraction. Going forward it is a goal to be as present with the little things as I was with this experience. Though I am reluctant and already overwhelmed with having a phone, the stress it caused myself and others around me was much too great to keep without.

Maybe it is simpler than this short essay I typed up, but man did I love having the space, time and comfort to write it!

This is a photo of some of the beautiful loves of my life!